Reading MRI orders and notes on Chiari malformations and the face of her neurologist through finger-smudged glasses. What mattered yesterday takes a backseat to this moment. And the next. Dad sits in on the appointment; he's worried or he doesn't want to miss something or he hates that he is no longer practicing medicine. And he loves us. The medical system is a leviathan writhing up from the depths to assist or destroy, depending on how one plays the game of survival.

A storm lingers after a 4 a.m. The darker dawn opens its throaty yawn just enough to reveal leaves unhinging with the rain. I stretch out a choppy sleep under the overhang on the deck forgetting about the silver dollar spider and her masterwork up in the left corner. Shit shit shit! I bring down the work, and her ghost crawls all over my neck and shoulders for the rest of the morning.

Lately, dark matter and everything else that exists that cannot be perceived. Maybe there is something to that place where math and the un-mappable intersect. A constant overturning of truth, the great abstract, the undiluted unseen – we are here because of the invisible. So, not dark matter, transparent matter.

How the light bends changes things – an untrustworthy account of a surpassing Other.

through / beyond / right here

The foliage is more yellow than red, which does not make one color better than another but it does satisfy a heart's vacuum for variance. That's the best way I can explain what is going on here.

Leaf management strategy. Clear a little as you go or wait for the final drop? The others who toil along the way will not appreciate the wind's helping hand in carrying the uncollected masses into their clarity. But the leaf pick-up crew charges per visit. The leaves will heap taller than the old Subaru, the entire length of the driveway, and backs will ache from now until the first snowfall. A suburban forest and its drawbacks.

A few blooms yet. Though, October's vampire falls in love with his hunger while we sleep, slowly sipping a little off the top each night. I still want things in the distance. I still need to see.