Rain, Bears and Ball Caps
/My mustard colored baseball cap has the shape of Michigan on it and it's my new favorite. Today it goes with ripped blue jeans and a gray T-shirt sporting an elephant on the chest. Thunder grumbles like hunger pangs and morning birds mock me. My eyes are swollen and I wonder how much longer I can use the rainstorm as camouflage.
Another black bear was found within the city limits. Yesterday, I leaned on my shovel and thought about the bear. I thought about how often she has lumbered through my life.
Rain – latent birdsong – bears leading.
Today, the truth is harder to confess than predicted.
We fought hard about things that weren't really the thing. I threw a bowl of grapes and when they hit the kitchen cupboards they smashed into their separate worlds, rolling under the fridge and the island and the dishwasher. The dog came out of her den to see what was happening and then she shrank back into safety. It's been day since we saw each other's face. I'm scared that we somehow simultaneously love and cannot stand each other. There are stories we tell ourselves and then there are other truths.
Around the fire I thought of all the things I want to burn; my own bones come to mind. How satisfying to think of my grayish smoke drifting over white pines and dunes and the Great Lake. I think of Emily's grave and what it would feel like to visit the soil of those who loved her. I think of being on the same page and pages burning and having no more paper to read or fold or write upon. I think of the bones of dead dogs buried next to quiet trails. I think of the bones behind my eyes – no longer tangible yet still igniting.
I meant to do the grocery shopping this morning while the town was at church. Instead I sat in the three seasons room surrounded by a lessening night, listening to the world wake. I'm still here, thinking about amends, wondering about viability and hope and powerlessness. A shredded heart makes a huge, grotesque mess. I don't think rain or bears or ball caps can cover up the stains.