In Her Radius

Working through it.

Men who have taught me. Men who have told me what to do and not do. Men who have set the rules and have the votes.

A few years back, we went to a nightclub for “80's Night”. I remember watching K. rise from the table and burst into dancing. I was so captivated by her beautiful brown skin, her midnight hair, and her honeyed dance moves; she seemed to draw everyone's attention.

Throughout the night, I saw how her Brazilian body moved. Her sensuality was unabashed and magnetic. She had a crowd of men and women around her, all seemingly wanting to be in her radius – to touch or glean something. Her husband would join her from time to time on the dance floor but didn't really need to be there. At the table, he leaned back and just watched her move and attract and glow. At one point in the evening he leaned over to me and said, “Am I not the luckiest man alive? Look at her.” He just kept smiling. I was sort of thinking back then about how jealous he should be or how strange it is that she can ooze such erotic inclusion over all of those people while her husband beams from the side.

Now I see that K. had freedom. She moved from a knowing within, despite what those around her might have been thinking. I remember thinking that there would be hurt feelings and possibly a discussion if I allowed my body to move around the dance floor with other men and women like that. This is what I'm trying to say.

5 a.m. – make a week's worth of quinoa, a day's worth of steel cut oats and a moment's worth of coffee.

6 a.m. – geese overhead flying east. The dog and I walk. On the way, an empty vodka bottle, turkeys meandering and chalk messages on driveways: wonder in God, He will save you.

7 a.m. – watering thirsty things, waterfalls of reading and writing, and a few dance moves around the kitchen while everyone else sleeps.

We all believe in something that will rip us to shreds. I think that's a song lyric I heard once. Or a truth Hansel told me. But even destruction is creative in a way.

And beloved, we burn this light together, end to end.