Dullness of the Surface

The world is our relationship to one another.

To understand the image of another, I must understand who I am – not who I aspire to be. I am no longer interested in spending my life cultivating virtue. I want the freedom that comes from understanding what is.

I have lived my life observing patterns and adjusting accordingly. Don't leave your bike outside and it won't get thrown at you. Do get good grades, behave morally, and you will not be punished. Don't express your true feelings, only then there will be peace.

And I'm tired of living in the dullness of the surface. I near depletion of the ability to make space for that which simply longs to be.

7 a.m.

It is still dark and just like that, the light of summer turns down like the old kerosene lamp that used to sit on my mother’s buffet table.

Symbols as dreams. Thought as distraction.

Anything I might think with the mind is a result of the past. Even desire – or, especially desire – comes from a process of idealizing a future instead of seeing what is. Desire is a thought resulting in possession, not freedom. And for the first time, I have entered desire in order to understand who I am, and who I am not. In the center of it all, desire is a structure that involves fear. Not love.

I'm tired of 'me' building; can we sleep at peace now?